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Aviation encyclopedia

 

AIRPLANE: (from Latin-Greek aeroplanos : wandering in air );

an accumulation of sheet metal, oil stains, design errors, corrosions, rivets and unreliable components held together by several layers of paint. Entire assemblage normally moves in parallel directions through the air or on taxiways. Function of airplane is to provide continuous market for repair shops and spare part manufacturers, and regular employment for pilots, mechanics and government bureaus. May provide below-cost transportation for large groups of travelers similar to horse or mule in that maintenance costs continue regardless of productivity. Life span approximately same as horse or mule (DC-3 excepted) (see expletive deleted, horse, mule, tin whore, etc.)

 

CO-PILOT:

Undistinguished person with long hair and peerless eyeballs. Situated in right forward part of airplane (see above). Peers intently at dials, instruments and small colored lights. Reads aloud numbers from dials and instruments for amusement of flight captain (see below) or others. Recites checklists in military manner until silenced by captain or others. Inscribes unintelligible symbols on various forms. Can operate flaps or landing gear but not simultaneously. Not authorized to manipulate flight controls until captain leaves the flight deck to inspect stewardesses (see below). Carries crew luggage, off-loads cargo, eats cheese sandwiches and performs other useful functions (see lackey, lance corporal, etc.)

 

FLIGHT CAPTAIN:

distinguished person usually of middle years trained to wear four gold or silver bars on each shoulder or sleeve. Enters hotel lobby in imperial manner with lesser crew members in train. Appears to be exhausted. Occasionally make flight announcement apologizing for co-pilot's (see above) tendency to locate the only rough weather within 4oo miles. Cannot read newspaper at arms length without eyeglasses but can detect bumble-bee at 3 kilometers and accurately reports bumble-bees heading, altitude and flight plan. Situated in left forward part of airplane except when evaluating stewardesses (see below) performance or otherwise engaged (see pilot-in-command, God , etc).

 

FLIGHT CONTROLLER:

Person situated in glass cage ten meters above runway level. Scrutinizes small moving lights on imitation TV screen. Listens to radio static through special high-fidelity earphones. Has microphone but speaks language unknown to others. Voices instructions in said language to small moving lights. Small moving lights proceed as before. Empowered with exclusive authority to direct flight captains (see above) except when captains decide otherwise. Periodically punches wife after long day of flight captains, radio static and many small moving lights.

 

FLIGHT ENGINEER:

Person with short hair if any. Stares knowingly at excess panel of dials, instruments and colored lights. Trained to push levers. May also pull levers if levers have brightly-colored knobs. Normally sits sideways in forward part of airplane. (see above), therefore can be identified on ground by slight list to starboard, or port, or whiskey straight.

 

FLIGHT-LINE MECHANIC:

Young person trained to stand patiently under airplanes (see above) engine nacelles in white uniform collecting oil stains on shoulders and sleeves. Opens engine cowlings and peers intently at machinery inside. Also trained to rise thumb in timely manner for benefit of gallery. May occasionally raise other fingers in symbolic gesture. Exudes slight aroma of hydraulic fluid an beer.

 

FLIGHT STEWARDESS:

Attractive 22-year old girl asleep in far aft part of airplane (see above) behind exotic make-up and hangover. Positively identified by duty-free goods in adjacent seat. Extensively trained in judo, arm-wrestling and non seeing call lights. Can mix pre-mixed drinks slowly and incorrectly. Loved and admired by all. Marries flight captain (see above) or leading first-class passenger and retires at age 23.

 

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